exams and relationships.

exams

Corryne said to me " You're not clever. You are only good at memorising facts and stuff."

Note: Corryne is not mean, she is just frank and i accept that.

It made me wonder and ponder about what she said.

I KNOW I'm good at memorizing facts and this is seen from my humanities being very strong as I vomit everything out for exams. My history marks were great, my geog acceptable, close to good and my lit, oh man, I'm so relieved.I thought I screwed up my frankenstein's section i wrote only 1 page but achieved 17/25. And overall A1. However this whole year have been not a very gd academic year so my CA pulls my exam marks down.

I can blame and make excuses and say I have:
- prefect stuff
- 3rd language, Malay
- Handbells
- Ballet
- Piano
- Art

Mostly, prefect stuff took up alot of time. I felt we could have done things more effeciently if PSLs contributed and also those PCs should sacrifice sometimes and compromise on their CCAs and academic work as we should be all in this together. Cause' that's what it's all about right?

It also took me a while to get back on track after all those events such as teachers' day and 50 Laps @ Cedar.
I could have done so much better throughout the year and I blame myself.

Sometimes , I get frustrated when people call me " hardworking".
I mean I'm not close, Look at Jin Hui.
But I rather be called intellectual. And I'm not really. I don't think I'm really clever. And I don't like that fact. I mean i try my really best sometimes but even though Thomas Edison says 99% is hard work and 1% genius and I agree with this statement, if you and a person are competing she has that 1% genius, no matter how hard you work , she always has that edge over you, even if it's only in the long run. I can say that Corryne is smarter than me. She beat me in Science and Maths, and pls don't misintepret, I'm not like competing vigorously. I'm stating my point. I can say she's clever. Although she is less hardworking, look how far she has gone. Beating me in Lit although she studied the text only the day before. And memorizing people like me memorize science facts but when it comes to practical and application and analysis, I crumble and die.

Sometimes I ask myself :" What's wrong with me? "

In this hardworking society where elitists excel, we need to have this intellect. Or do we? Aren't the most successful streetwise people? And I do hope that all the talents I have developed over the years will not be wasted and go down the drain.

I hope going to VJ will expand my horizons, broaden my mind and make me more laid-back and open-minded. I also hope that I will find good friends as good as Joy and find Christians that I can look up to and follow and talk about Christ. JC is so worldly, I know I would be so opinionated and judge them people. Maybe because of all these expectations, I may be disappointed. But despite my doubts, I'm going for it.

Relationships

Sometimes I feel my relationship with my mum is very strained, I'm an independent soul, I study on my own but there's never this pillar I can turn to when I'm in doubt. My mum is close to my bro after sitting down with him everyday for a yr to prepare him for PSLE. And there's my father, a good Christian guidance but sometimes there, sometimes just not there.

As a middle child, I have the least photos, the hand-me-downs. Maybe all these experiences have made me a stronger person but also I feel neglected sometimes. Maybe that's why I talk alot and sometimes am attention-seeking. But sometimes I just feel like being alone and hate being with people I don't like because I'm used to seeking solace, alone.