A very Tired Post

I'm tired of waiting.

I've been waiting for A levels to end for 6 months, now I'm waiting for the results. I'm waiting for my internship to be over, to free up time to try out other things. I'm waiting for someone to return from overseas.

Individually, they are things I can deal with, things I want to be able to cope with, and I know I can, if I put my energy into them. But after all this waiting, I'm not sure if I even want to bring myself to spend that effort. There are days that I feel so drained that I feel like a ragged doll, unable to prop myself up and even try.

I'm waiting for an admission offer from LSE and Duke. I've figured in this time that what I really want in a university education is an intellectual challenge, and I don't mean a challenge for deadlines and submission for essays, not just that. But a well-crafted curriculum that doesn't for intend me to be productive capital for an economy but sees education as a worthy investment in and of itself, the rest being just spin-off benefits. Maybe I am too naive.

I have laughed too little since the end of A levels. I think I spent so much of my JC life trying to be someone. Not putting on a front, but rather to see JC life through the eyes of others because I've heard so many stories from so many seniors. I think this prevented me from venturing out to explore my capacity as an individual and to try too hard which may have proved counterproductive.

I'm most worried about the expectations. Sure I can let myself down but I will grapple with that but I dislike it immensely when my actions have unintended consequences on others, even if their expectations might just be a figment of my imagination. (Hoping for you can be a sort of burden)

What will I remember of my post As? I think I will remember that I did not feel as others felt. No joy, no loss. I will remember Durban with all its ups and downs, slumped in bed with my laptop listening to Anjali's speech and tearing for the future generations of this planet. My heart especially goes out to those living in the island states. I want to be someone who tramples on injustice. The question is which platform allows me to both stay true to my and the organisation's beliefs as well as create a change?

I've been reading fragments of non-fiction here and there. This tendency has made me wonder about my position towards the humanities and the arts. After all, I did considering majoring in Literature or Art History. I understand why people love them so because I do too. I do especially when I feel like running away from the world and escaping into Art can be the most enjoyable experience. It is ironic that it is not in human beings that I find solace but the works of human beings that ignites my hope in humanity. In the end, I guess I chose the social sciences after all. They are cruel, harsh but they are very true. I don't think I would have been able to escape into another world to leave behind a world that needs fixing. Eventually, it would have nagged at me until I conceded. Still, I never regretted entering Arts or doing Lit. If anything, it helped me appreciate the human condition better.

This is so very incoherent but I wouldn't have 'penned' it down otherwise (Oh, I'm becoming a victim of the keypad and not a master of the pen, save me from the 21st century!)

I'm not happy and at peace with myself. I don't know if I'll ever be but when I am, occasionally, I know I'm on the right path. I don't need a overseas holiday or anything fancy. I just want things to be alright at the very basic level because I'm not just tired of waiting for change, I'm tired. Period.