wonder

Sometimes I wonder what's holding me back, keeping from pursuing my happiness if there's even the existence of such a thing. Kahlil Gibran says in his poem that it is not possible to feel joy without having first experienced sorrow.

Occasionally, I question my morals and maybe for fun of it, want to go against my conscience, moral obligations and all. What's keeping me from doing the contrary? Why can't I just live a hedonistic lifestyle? Because I think ultimately it is not worthwhile in the long term. What is the long term? If I die tomorrow, would I regret not enjoying myself more? Will this mere knowledge of the possibility of a short-lived life drive me to live a hedonistic lifestyle? No, I don't think so. But I will regret. I don't think I will regret not enjoying life, but not making life meaningful for me and for others instead. (I'm not saying this because it's politically correct).

Life may not be worthwhile, but it is after all, just an essential transition phase for the end. And that's all that keeps me going on, holding on.

To others, death is not the absence of life but the prolonged agony of the ebbing away of life.

But to me and many others, physical death is the beginning of a good thing.
I am constantly reminding myself of this transition phase that prepares us for a greater thing, just like interphase prepares the cell for mitosis and meiosis (too much bio sorry). Reminding myself to stop swaying to the world's wishes but do I stop pursuing these earthly endeavours, especially when they mean so much to me?