I feel devoid of all inspiration. There's this sandstorm that clouds my life intermittently. Except that I don't (feel that I) have a big furry friend to walk me through those times.
This education system has made us grow up so quickly, it's scary. We are constantly reminded that what we do right now impacts our future lives. Remember the PSLE lectures on how PSLE affects your getting into a good secondary school, which will then impact your JC, which will then open doors to university which will then determine the course your life will take? We are only 12. And right now with scholarship bodies pushing forward their selection tests, the pressure is building up again. Sure at 17, I think I'm capable of assessing my interest and pursuing a course and university that I can live with, but somehow I can't help but feel that the accumulation of all these heavyweight decisions have taken its toll on my mental health. I'm doing a doubletake now and attempting to reclaim all those lost hours, to revel in the shallow waters of my childhood.
Maybe that explains the fondness for childlike things of myself, and many others as well.
The things I want are seemingly attainable, but are encumbered by complications in relationships, my overanalysis, and the world.
I want to play frisbee, floorball, run, dance, shout.
I want to picnic with close friends and recover those years which has changed me and matured me till a point of non-recognition.
I will to break the tension between impulse and control by just being childlike in wants and choosing the former over the latter.
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone
- Passing Afternoon, Iron & Wine
1 comment:
Yiying! I like the end quote very much.
I understand! I mean, the whole impulse vs control thing. But I dunno, I usually get excited thinking about college and career options, I like thinking of the future. I mean it sucks now that we have to do the "A' grade churning.
It's also because I am a little insensitive to stress (it's a very bad thing like how people have CIPA and cannot feel pain. it's an evolutionary edge, I tell ya, the sensitivity to stress.)But I don't feel burdened very much by the need to control my life. Maybe it's also because I've been living impulsively most of my life, doing what I imagine up to age 15 and running and jumping up the rest of the way.
But you can! You can break free. I don't know how, I really don't. But oh c'mon! Every day I see something worth being happy for, despite the stress of TRYING to be close to the best. Like being your wall, or having laughed at a band indicator with Dione, or laughing with Rish and Karthi, or talking to my coach, or having ever met the brilliance that is Wen Shuo...
I think all those make the shit we go through like academic rigor or athletic stress or frustration with apathy towards the environment, worth it in the end.
I like to say, it's not that bad. Naive, but it works.
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