I'm lacking the lyrical. Hopefully it'll come back to me soon. It's that satisfaction that one gets from a rather effortless well-written piece, having been led by the natural downstream flow of thoughts. Also, being unable to sit down and write with my 0.38 due to carpal tunnel has led me to blogging. It's more convenient and quicker too. To be honest, I've been reading my past posts, especially those spiritual ones, for the past months just to remind myself and to be acquainted once again with the familiar me.
Still, the familiar becomes unfamiliar. The width of my 0.38 seems too thin for my liking, the proximity of a loved one seems an eternity of a distance. Life is full of paradoxes and sometimes I wonder if we were made to think this way because enlightenment exists outside of the unsatisfactory circles of reasoning.
My grandma has come to stay with us. Trust my brain to overanalyze things but I can't help but feel rather perturbed at the notion of the woman who has been shaping my mother's identity, and hence mine, is living under the same roof, all 3 of us.
Also, I've been noticing of late that my insecurities are re-surfacing and the ease at which the devil manipulates good things to qualify the happiness they bring about. Despite feeling stressed about SATs and almost undergoing a panic attack that day in hot stuffy AJ, I managed to get a 2240, and a 2290 with superscoring! (: (: But that doubt always comes back. Could you have scored a better than 8 score on your essay? What if...?
But NO, I gotta reject these thoughts because they are not from God. I'm so blessed to have received this score because of the circumstances and the days following up to SATs which was a rollercoaster ride and not in the melancholic Belle and Sebastian sense, but in the existential frantic WHAT-AM-I-SUPPOSED-TO-DO-WITH-MY-LIFE sense. These relapses from the knowledge of the 'eternal glory that far outweighs them all' to the typical short term paranoia has been happening too frequent and I know that something's gotta change. If there's anything I learnt from this episode, I'm just so grateful of the strength granted to me that empowered me to keep my integrity intact.
On a brighter note, tea lattes are the best thing. And on a cautious note, I'm warding off coffee unless I really really need it. It's such a shame they don't offer caffeine jabs (imagine OD-ing on caffeine) because gosh I hate the side effects of coffee. Coffee dulls my senses, which makes me less sharp. Mehhh.
June hols are here. I love that I have large expanses of time to chisel at my work and refine it instead of snatching precious little here and there. I pray that it will be productive, restful, and most of all, a necessary reawakening of the spiritual.
Off to sleep now.
I know that my future is secure in Your hands.
I know that pain from carpal tunnel and my ankle has gone away in the spiritual realm and is just waiting to be manifested in the physical.
The philosopher in me will say that such a knowledge is not Justified True Belief but this is where faith comes in.
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